Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked