a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE