Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely