What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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Quadruple digit IQ
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.