*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.