4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Lol.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Natty or not?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.