[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?