Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“Why you watching this shit?”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
scrabbled eggs
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.