*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I see your IQ test came back negative
⛄️
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
no their not
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know