kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
(Gaming support cat.)
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Still a very good boi….
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory