HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector