[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?