Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn鈥檛 understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
As the king鈥檚 food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I don鈥檛 moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Ha
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That鈥檚 my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I don鈥檛 care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
We鈥檙e looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
鈥揇og House Hunters
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I鈥檝e only been awake for an hour, but I鈥檝e already been fooled 38 times.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better