I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish