I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.