And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
There’s only one good girl here!
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Story of my life…..
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway