The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you