To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.