After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
You Might Also Like
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
incredible book dedication
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day