asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was