How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
You Might Also Like
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
i really liked this one
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.