—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Flowers bee like
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
This meal prepping shit is easy
This took me a second..
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.