Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
That eye roll….
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.