I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Terribly Tuesday.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.