If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.