[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*