Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.