Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
You Might Also Like
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.