Tammy is short for Tamuel
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
adding to the discourse
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
That’s enough internet for the day
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.