My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals