Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.