[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.