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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”