Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Lmaoo 😂
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics