[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
You Might Also Like
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST