calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back š
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RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Mum: Oh Iāve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, whatās your name?
Me:
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Safety first
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! Itās just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while Iām beneath the earth in a cave please
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The moon is in my awful neighborās backyard. Girl, heās the worst. What are you doing?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but wonāt touch a thing because they think youāve already been hacked. You havenāt.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uhā¦
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, āWho is at the most riskā and āIs it airborneā and āHas my wife always chewed that loudly?ā
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when Iām transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you werenāt late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites