A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.