Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.