At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Breaking news:
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
There’s only one good girl here!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.