If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Hank is one in a melon.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
This is the best one I’ve seen
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
don’t be scared
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.