Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Super Hand Dog Face
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”