(yawn)
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Waiting for the Charmin
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
seems like a niche market
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now