Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me