kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.