Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.