My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.