Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
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My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?