Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?