If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows