I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.